Tuesday, April 6, 2010

48 ounces of Jumbled

Disclaimer: I have typed this whole piece while not wearing contacts or glasses. I can't exactly see what I'm typing so please forgive any errors.
Throughout school,teachers would always ask us to come up with alliterations for our name to help them remember. I always said that I was Jumbled Jessica because my brain was everywhere at once. It now seems that I did not quite know the full potential for jumbledness.
My mother passed away on March 29th, and since then I kind of feel like my brain got dropped in this amazing blender we got as an early wedding present. (The most powerful blender on the market, AND it's red.) I have a gazillion things going on at once and lets just say its taken me weeks to organize, clean and pack my room. There were so many wonderful people at her memorial service and I apologise if I mixed up any of your names or even called you by the wrong one.
Many people have asked me "How are you doing?"
I say, "We're doing." Then they generally look at me like I'm sort of crazy or maybe even hiding something.
Its not that I'm hiding anything, I think its more that I don't know. Were just moving forward.It may also be that I don't quite know how I should be doing otherwise, or even because I'm so jumbled and processed that I sometimes have trouble identifying feelings.
Ex. I went to take some things back to Michael's. Items I had taken my mother to procure, and the project never got started, One could say it was almost $20 worth of things I didn't want to throw away. And in retrospect one might say I didn't want the burden of finishing the project or even that it was at the time an unfriendly reminder. Anyway, Luke is with me and we wait in the line, I explain what happened and she says sorry, starts scanning the items, and then says, wait so you're not the card holder? I need the card and the card holder here. I couldn't quite understand how the sales lady didn't understand "passed away this week" and asked if I could have store credit. She said not without the cardholder and the card. I tactfully said loudly "Shes Dead." Took my things and left. Luke kindly followed me through this whole process and was there to hold me in the parking lot when the emotions took over. Like I said, I don't always know they're there but whamo they can hit you like a truck. He also let me stay in the car while he took the items back in to the sales lady per my request.  I realised I just didn't want them.
I think that responding to the death of a close loved one has got to be one of the steps of transitioning to womanhood. I would always glance weirdly at the woman crying in the weirdest place for no apparent reason. A good friend told me that one day you'll think you're fine. You've got it all under wraps, and then something random will set you off and it will twist up your whole day. It's like I need a sticker. I'm turning into a woman. I cry in random places.
There's also this weird sensation of being happy when you sad.
(Check out Tracy's blog here) I kind of wish it had been there earlier, she's a got a great metaphor and pearls of wisdom. Anyway, happy when you're sad is weird. At the service, when I'm seeing all these people I haven't seen in forever, we're celebrating mom's life, re connecting is it wrong that I'm excited and smiling and laughing. I figure not,  but it is a little weird when you're the loudest one in the room. :) I've also got this nice wedding shaped plant to put in the hole (seriously folks go read Tracy's blog) so I get to be excited about that, and have all the projects that mom and I hatched up to finish. I'm getting married in May! Mom died last week. Like I said, wierd sensation.


Grandma G said...

Sounds to me like you're going through a perfectly normal grieving period. Just keep hangin' in there, and let yourself feel your feelings. A favorite quote of mine says: "Feelings are neither right nor wrong; they just ARE." (It's what you do with them that can be right or wrong.) And there's no time restraints to grieving... take all the time you need... and take care of yourself. The rest will all come together in time.

Huge hugs to you....

(P.S. Where are your glasses/contacts, young lady? You NEED them!) ;)

Tracy said...

Hey Jess, I looked for you hiding under the table at the memorial, but all I saw were your legs. :)
Guess you didn't need to hide after all. Hang in there. No matter how you're feeling, you've got a huge cheering section to justify any of your laughs or tears (even when they seem untimely). And if anyone thinks you shouldn't be laughing (or crying), just have them answer to US! :)

Jamie said...

Tracy's mention of a hole reminded me of this passage from the book Eggs, by Jerry Spinelli (a book about a boy grieving the loss of his mom). "He still heard his mother's voice, but it was no longer the only voice he heard. His ears were also filled with the voices of others. Of course, all their words for a thousand years couldn't fill the hole left by his mother, but they could raise a loving fence around it so he didn't keep falling in." I'm not sure that those "holes" ever go away, we just learn to live with and walk around them. I'm still praying for you (and your dad and sister)...praying that you will allow yourself to be surrounded by others that love you, that we may help you when you fall into that hole. Love you, love you, love you!

Little Spouse on the Prairie said...

I really loved this blog, in fact, living far away, I was waiting for it. You wrote it beautifully! Shame on the woman at the store who didn't know how to handle that tactfully! I'm so inspired by you and Tracy and Jamie that I'm going to go write on my blog site! Welcome to the "Women who cry in random places" group! My most weird place was in front of some eighth graders while teaching. It actually worked out to my advantage. They listened the rest of the class! Love and prayers-Janice

Neola said...

Jess, hugs and love! I think I'm first going to slap the Michael's lady....
You will have ups and downs and that is okay. Cry when you need to and laugh when you want to about whatever are feeling.
Praying for you all!

Christa said...

Remind me to tell you my Target story. Let's just say, you're not alone.

Anonymous said...


Your feelings are completely normal and believe me you are not the only one "just doing" right now. It was great to see you at school today! Hang in there and call if you or your family needs anything!!!!! Luv u all!

Jennifer Linares

colleen banman said...

oh jessica! i am so so sorry!