Disclaimer: I have typed this whole piece while not wearing contacts or glasses. I can't exactly see what I'm typing so please forgive any errors.
Throughout school,teachers would always ask us to come up with alliterations for our name to help them remember. I always said that I was Jumbled Jessica because my brain was everywhere at once. It now seems that I did not quite know the full potential for jumbledness.
Many people have asked me "How are you doing?"
I say, "We're doing." Then they generally look at me like I'm sort of crazy or maybe even hiding something.
Its not that I'm hiding anything, I think its more that I don't know. Were just moving forward.It may also be that I don't quite know how I should be doing otherwise, or even because I'm so jumbled and processed that I sometimes have trouble identifying feelings.
Ex. I went to take some things back to Michael's. Items I had taken my mother to procure, and the project never got started, One could say it was almost $20 worth of things I didn't want to throw away. And in retrospect one might say I didn't want the burden of finishing the project or even that it was at the time an unfriendly reminder. Anyway, Luke is with me and we wait in the line, I explain what happened and she says sorry, starts scanning the items, and then says, wait so you're not the card holder? I need the card and the card holder here. I couldn't quite understand how the sales lady didn't understand "passed away this week" and asked if I could have store credit. She said not without the cardholder and the card. I tactfully said loudly "Shes Dead." Took my things and left. Luke kindly followed me through this whole process and was there to hold me in the parking lot when the emotions took over. Like I said, I don't always know they're there but whamo they can hit you like a truck. He also let me stay in the car while he took the items back in to the sales lady per my request. I realised I just didn't want them.
I think that responding to the death of a close loved one has got to be one of the steps of transitioning to womanhood. I would always glance weirdly at the woman crying in the weirdest place for no apparent reason. A good friend told me that one day you'll think you're fine. You've got it all under wraps, and then something random will set you off and it will twist up your whole day. It's like I need a sticker. I'm turning into a woman. I cry in random places.