Monday, September 14, 2009

Big Decisions

This year has been very eventful, especially since May. Mom got diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I made it through classes, graduated, Luke and I got engaged, I started the teaching credential program, went to Disneyland, got swine flu(excuse me H1N1 Flu), spent a nice chunk of time in Moscow (even if I was banished) Mom went to San Francisco for a stem cell transplant. When I start writing it all down it's hard to believe all of that has happened in 4 months! Is retrospective stress real?

Anyway, it all started catching up with me recently. Even though I didn't realise it, a lot of it was my reaction to the events. I started zoning in classes, I was feeling ill more often than not, during off time I've been preferring to stay in my room, in my pajamas, surfing the web and turning into a vegetable. This was beginning to affect my school work and I was worried because I wasn't feeling a "click" with where I was.

I finally got the sense to go in and meet with my advisor. On the way to my appointment I talked to my mom on the phone. She was a little (lot) out of it because of meds, and wanting me to come bust her out of the hospital. She was done. She had to go, and I went into my appointment. I met with my advisor, started describing my experience, and she asked me: "Who would you normally talk to about such a big dilemma?" The answer? My mom. Which prompted me to begin crying through the rest of our meeting. Emotion I didn't realise was there started surfacing. It's easy to get caught up in everything that's happening and not grasp the toll it can take, and is taking, even if I'm not right there with everything. Sometimes it's the absence. ANYWAY

My advisor strongly recommended that I seek guidance and advice, and reassess "the plan." First I used this handy dandy Pros and Cons Calculator. (Just kidding...sort of.) Then I began talking with friends and family seeking advice. Running the scenario by each person, paying attention to how I present it, and taking in their thoughts and ideas. It made me think of something I heard about at a Mennonite Camping Convention. I can't remember what group this is associated with but I think I would fit in well. If someone has a big decision to make there is a gathering of people from their community to hear the person out and the choices they have to make. Then they advise the person and point out things they might have missed. This is a good way for me to process, because I have so many people to remind me that God's plan trumps mine. It's my hardest lesson. Even harder than Jo March and her temper...Little Women reference. So after a long time of exploring my options, and for a while even trying to go with something else, I have decided to withdraw from the teaching credential program. I will search for a part time job, and provide care for my mother who will be coming home from UCSF Medical Center some time soon.
PS. This might TMI (too much information) but I figure many of you take interest in me and what I'm up to, it might help if you were updated on something other than things that come in every color.


The Luedtke Family said...

Having watched my Mom endure a bone marrow stem cell transplant, I understand so much of what you just wrote. If you need an ear, I will listen. I am not sure that I am all that wise to provide stellor advice!

Our first year of marriage was emotionally filled. We attended 9 weddings, my Grandpa's furneral, Mom was diagnosed with Leukemia, Eric had a deviated septum repaired, and we bought a house. Early on in our marriage - I cannot recall if it was our first year, but pretty close - my Mom called to tell me an Uncle died as we were heading out the door to Eric's Uncle's furneral.

I think of you so much and truly wonder how you were holding it all together. If you want to call or email, Mark and Cindy can give you my number or email address.

Tears are okay, and many times I feel so much better when I let them fall!

Deb Friesen said...

My heart goes out to'll always be one of "my girls". After hearing everything, I think I would be doing the same thing you are doing. Please call me or stop by anytime. If you're sad, mad, angry, happy, or generally in a quandry about life, lay it on me. I can take it. Love you, Deb

Jamie said...

You are great daughter, and a wonderful young woman! I am so proud of you for seeking the answers to your hard problems through God and other wise counsel around you. I think you made a very wise decision. The teaching program will always be there next year, or the next. Love you much!

Little Spouse on the Prairie said...

Seeking wise counsel is good Biblical sense! You did good. Hey I went through a credential program at the age of 53! See it will still be there. Love and prayers, Janice

The Isaacs said...

I support your decision! Family first! Praying for your peace during this time... Let me know if you ever need anything (like a listening ear).

Anonymous said...

Wow Jessie, reading your comments must prove to you that you are very loved. Good reason too, you are very lovable. You might feel alone in this journey of yours but we are all right here beside you. I love you and look forward to working with you again soon when Mom comes home (tonight).

Neola said...

Jess, We love you and are here for you...sometimes it is amazing how things work out. Trust God.
Enjoy your time with your family. Treasure the one on one you will have with your mom.
Blessings and prayers

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your "every color", Jess. Please know that I have been and will continue to pray for you. It is so wise of you to seek counsel, especially when it's from godly people who know you and your situation. I know that deciding to spend more time with your mom will NEVER be a regret of yours. And as committed as you are to your studies, picking them back up later down the road will not be a problem.

Tracy said...

Jess, as you can see, everyone supports you and the decision you made. I hope you are able to feel relief and focus on the things that matter most to you right now. Praying for you.

Kt Ro said...

Hey Jess! Sounds like we've both had a pretty unexpected year. I'm so sorry about your mom--it's hard for me to be sick, but I can't even imagine how hard it would be if it was someone I loved. I'll definitely be keeping your family in my prayers. And about the credential program: it takes a lot of courage to step back from "the plan," hard after all of our years of school and structure to be in the "unknown." So I'm very proud of you for being able to do that, I know how scary it can be sometimes. And (I'm not sure how much of this you have experienced yet, but) it can definitely be hard to tell people that you run into when they ask what's up with your life--I never quite know what to say, do I actually explain what's up or do I just say something like, "Oh, I'm just working part time right now" or something. But you're already doing good by writing this post, so good job! Just remember: God's plans tend to be a lot less cut-and-dry than ours, but He knows what He's doing. ; ) He loves you so much, He is with you and your mom and family, and He will get you through this. And tears are more than allowed--even Jesus cried (esp. when those that He loved were sick)! Ok, anyways, it was really great to hear from you, and I will be keeping you all in my prayers. From one girl who's had her world flipped upside-down this year to another: I'm here if you need anything or want to chat or whatever. And super congrats on your engagement!!! I'm so excited for you! Hope you're having fun with all of the planning!