This year has been very eventful, especially since May. Mom got diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I made it through classes, graduated, Luke and I got engaged, I started the teaching credential program, went to Disneyland, got swine flu(excuse me H1N1 Flu), spent a nice chunk of time in Moscow (even if I was banished) Mom went to San Francisco for a stem cell transplant. When I start writing it all down it's hard to believe all of that has happened in 4 months! Is retrospective stress real?
Anyway, it all started catching up with me recently. Even though I didn't realise it, a lot of it was my reaction to the events. I started zoning in classes, I was feeling ill more often than not, during off time I've been preferring to stay in my room, in my pajamas, surfing the web and turning into a vegetable. This was beginning to affect my school work and I was worried because I wasn't feeling a "click" with where I was.
I finally got the sense to go in and meet with my advisor. On the way to my appointment I talked to my mom on the phone. She was a little (lot) out of it because of meds, and wanting me to come bust her out of the hospital. She was done. She had to go, and I went into my appointment. I met with my advisor, started describing my experience, and she asked me: "Who would you normally talk to about such a big dilemma?" The answer? My mom. Which prompted me to begin crying through the rest of our meeting. Emotion I didn't realise was there started surfacing. It's easy to get caught up in everything that's happening and not grasp the toll it can take, and is taking, even if I'm not right there with everything. Sometimes it's the absence. ANYWAY
My advisor strongly recommended that I seek guidance and advice, and reassess "the plan." First I used this handy dandy Pros and Cons Calculator. (Just kidding...sort of.) Then I began talking with friends and family seeking advice. Running the scenario by each person, paying attention to how I present it, and taking in their thoughts and ideas. It made me think of something I heard about at a Mennonite Camping Convention. I can't remember what group this is associated with but I think I would fit in well. If someone has a big decision to make there is a gathering of people from their community to hear the person out and the choices they have to make. Then they advise the person and point out things they might have missed. This is a good way for me to process, because I have so many people to remind me that God's plan trumps mine. It's my hardest lesson. Even harder than Jo March and her temper...Little Women reference. So after a long time of exploring my options, and for a while even trying to go with something else, I have decided to withdraw from the teaching credential program. I will search for a part time job, and provide care for my mother who will be coming home from UCSF Medical Center some time soon.
PS. This might TMI (too much information) but I figure many of you take interest in me and what I'm up to, it might help if you were updated on something other than things that come in every color.