An Insufficient Ketchup

It’s been a while, to say the least. I gravitated toward Instagram where I could say it all in a photo. A line of text peppered with hashtags.
Today I find myself in a state of grieving.
The last time I can remember feeling a process this big and this deep was when’s Mom was sick...and then passed away. For many reasons blogging supported processing and healing. For this reason I break out the blogger website and put my words to screen.

Our marriage is ending. The papers have been filled out. We’re supposed to sign them and submit them tomorrow. The bank accounts are separated. He has a move out date and I’m in search of roommates. I feel in a daze.

The question “How are you?” gives cause to think these days. I am doing.  Life happens. One day at a time. Try as we might it is not to be paused, and truly, if we paused it we would miss out.

 I see that in spite of the situation I am blessed and loved by so many.

I have lots of questions:
Why wasn’t what I had enough?
Why couldn’t what I was willing to do be enough?
What will the future look like?
Have I pursued every possible solution?
Will my sleep schedule ever look normal again?
Could this not have happened after I graduated this spring?
How will this impact my sense of identity and self worth?

My sinuses would love for some of the feelings to take a back seat
My ears would like for my sinuses to cut it out. .
My jaw takes issue with the clenching.
My skin would love a nice tropical vacation from the yuck.

Both my job and my studenting are on “spring break.” I was looking forward to the opportunity to get all the things done. To make massive progress. My brain is having trouble getting on board with that plan. It wants to thing about living arrangements (he gets his apartment on March 22, the goal is to have a roommate, maybe two by April 1)  how life might look, and what will be gone.

This is yet another reminder for the teacher me of how stress and trauma impact my students daily when they’re dealing with big things.

In some ways I think my brain is relieved at the potential finality signing and submitting papers might  bring. I’ve been trying to opperste as though this was a  Schrödinger’s cat scenario. Maybe it’s still alive. Maybe there’s something else I can do. That takes an effort and level of endurance I didn’t know I had.

While this does bring some finality and closure, more than one person has asked me “Would you still take him back?”
I made a promise for better or for worse. I truly believe that this is the worse. Right now I stand firm that I’m called to be open and listening for God’s plan for me. I am trying to hear Him through this experience and have faith for His plans for me.

Aren’t you mad at him?
Mad. Frustrated. Hurt. The thing is, I don’t want to give those things a foothold in my life. I am trying to be intentional about sticking with things that are “kind and helpful.” The other feelings are legitimate and to be recognized absolutely. They’re just not feelings that I want to bring in to stay.

Someone recently gave me a tip to keep a grattitude/success log. I’ve enjoyed that. Theee things to be grateful for and three successes from the day.

Three Successes
1.) I successfully conducted two preliminary possible roommate interviews.
2.) I learned the process for taking another person off a car title.
3.) I made dinner tonight and it was more substantial that a hot dog or pizza quesadilla. Charcoal grilled chicken, rice pilaf and grilled asparagus.
4.) I’ve been craving those California foods. Wienershnitzel, In n Out, and Jamba Juice. Today I made a smoothie that was stinkin close to a Jamba Juice smoothie and it was great.

Grattitude
1.) Daily pep talks from my sister and dad. They really help me stay grounded.
2.) Coffee ship knitting with a friend.
3.) A local DMV that answers calls and after only a few rings and no holds.
4.) All of the love I have been receiving from friends and family. Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, and words of encouragement. Sometimes I’m a little flighty in my responses, the brain thing again, but know that I hear you and it means so much.

Ps. Tomorrow is pie day!