Thursday, March 22, 2012

Give Me Oil

Here I am. It's three in the morning. I have yet another major test at 8am, and I'm awake. My brain is busy thinking about 36 young people who count on me to give them knowledge in at least 5 different subjects along with character development. They count on me to offer them support to help them maximize their learning, to teach them how be responsible when the natural consequences don't seem to be enough to motivate them. I'm thinking about how the return for my expended energy is feeling awfully low and yet I am still not reaching everyone who needs reaching.

Here's the thing, my brain is also busy thinking about:
The grown ups that belong to them.
The grownups that administrate the learning and supervise me.
PE testing, and Open House
Observations and interviews I am expected to conduct in other classrooms and on top of everything else.
Major project assignments that involve paperwork I don't have the patience for.

My natural consequences for letting things slide are greater than theirs and yet I still feel like they come first.

A need to take moments to recharge and yet not feeling recharged after taking more moments than I can afford to take.

Oh yah, and

An irritated digestive system that seems to refuse to reset regardless of initiating removal of dairy from my diet.

My husband is in another state. According to Google he is 99+ miles away.

Missing my biggest cheerleader and mentor and role model, my Mom. Because we were two peas in a pod. And she would know what to say, and how to help me balance it all.

Education is not for the weak. I will be among the first to know and announce that. Tonight I'm feeling exceptionally weak. Maybe weak minded? Swamped. Overwhelmed. Stressed that I feel the need to re charge yet too behind to get on top of anything long enough to do so.

There are really people out there who do it all. We read about them, see them on the news and in forums. I am acquainted with people who have more on their plate than I and yet they seem to be managing the very same program with the efficiency of a well oiled machine.

I need oil! I need a machine!

Oh yes and my test tomorrow is very much in relation to going the extra mile to meet the needs of every single student.
I'm feeling selfish....but what about my needs?

Not to self: I should probably not have children.

It's now just about 4am. Here I thought I was an 8 hr minimum sleep kid.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


The Luedtke Family said...

When I was in graduate school, I could totally understand the perspective of someone dropping out of college in the senior year. Speech Language Pathology programs are no joke, even at the undergraduate level. So at 5 1/2 years, I felt like I had enough and quitting sounded plausible. But since I had 5 1/2 years in and was paying for it all on my own, I took it one day at a time. Did what was needed for what was next. I made it through. My mom used the "pull yourself up from the boot strap" and did not help. Of course sleep was given up, and that always adds to the negative thought cycle.

Sometimes we just have to be a plow and plow through what we don't want to do.

The school year is tough. It is grueling. I am support staff, an island, no one in the building who fully understands my discipline. Sometimes I wonder who is there to support me. Why am I always the flexible, supporting one. It is okay to feel tired. But, do enough for what is next. Get through that, check it off of your list. And know that all will get done, all will get done well.

Stephen Greene said...

ndindiI taught high school history for three years, right out of college. Since that time, I've been a police officer, completed a masters degree in business, and traded stocks for twenty five years. Of all, teaching was the most demanding, and those who stay are those who are committed to improving kids' lives, one inch at a time.

God bless you for your willingness to give so much to help the little ones get a leg up on life. God is the only one who truly appreciates what you do, but unfortunately speaks in a whispered voice that you might miss when overwhelmed by life.

For me God's voice has the greatest clarity when I am done in, ready to quit, angry and alone. If I can find the will to turn my head toward that whispered tone,for one instant, I feel an infusion of peace and strength, enough to get me through this day, at least.

Hope you're able to rest today.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there girl, I understand and there with you right now! It's almost spring break! You'll be great and good advice from the other bloggers, take one day at a time, check one thing off at a time! It working for me right now, my case study is a beast!! We all have good days and bad days... You can do it! Have faith you reach those you can remember you are only one person, it takes a village to raise children , you have help!